Dream

I am in my childhood backyard (I dream of this often). It is larger, with areas of cement and also the woods and creek running behind the fence. There is some sort of circus going on, with tents and rings for animals like lions and tigers. I have come with my family and friends but their faces are all blurred, except for my brother Greg's. He is standing, stoic and still, staring at me. (I used to dream that he had lost too much weight, that he was withering away but refused to eat. It would worry me to no end.)

There is a cement ring and an adjacent tent, stripped with one flap eerily pulled back. A miniature horse without a saddle trots around the ring in a circle. It looks like a toy and I kick it; it flies a few feet and lands daintily a few feet away, at which time a menacing rhinoceros/hippo charges out of the tent toward the horse and bunts it back towards me. It is a disturbing game of fetch, and somehow I know that once the game is started, there is no way to end it. I must continue to kick the horse away and watch the rhinoceros/hippo's oversized, sharp white teeth snarl as he runs clumsily toward it.

Meanwhile Greg stares, a completely motionless blank slate. I call to him to help me. I scream at him. But there is no response. I am tired and can no longer kick the horse and I stop to rest, but the rhinoceros/hippo immediately notices my stall and charges towards me. He clasps my arm, bent, in his massive mouth and lifts me off the ground as he runs along the fence. I know the skin has not broken, but the bone surely has, and I scream and flail in desperation. After a few long moments of this I manage to break free, and the rhinoceros/hippo disappears.

When I come to, I notice Greg is still standing there, just looking at me. I hobble over to him, my arm throbbing, and stand in front of him, but underneath, as he is much taller than me.

What is wrong with you?! I shout.
Why didn't you do anything? I implore.

No response.

I WAS ALMOST KILLED AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

I scream, I am crying, I am sobbing uncontrollably.
My face is streaming, wet with tears.

I ALMOST DIED
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

I ALMOST DIED
I ALMOST DIED
I ALMOST DIED

I....ALMOST....died

No response.

It's Out There

Via Frances May, last two images by by Erin Hanson

I've always loved this song


via Lady Lunacy

Where have all the Rock Stars gone?

All images scanned by me, from Taking Aim, by Graham Nash

But you'll never know

I followed you with my eyes

I followed you with my eyes. It didn’t seem to matter. Everything we had talked about, it was all irrelevant now. I seemed to be talking outside of myself, as if someone had taken control of my body. I couldn’t seem to control my limbs, especially my tongue. You looked back at me, finally, but in a different way. You looked as if it wasn’t me you were looking at, but someone else. That’s when my heart started racing, when I realized it was not my imagination. There was another part of me that existed independently, that whispered sinister words out through my ears for all to hear.

This time I caught you looking at me, and it was really me. I had to remember these rare moments, or it would all be lost. The moments were unpredictable. Sometimes I was for days at a time. At other times, I interchanged moment by moment between the other and myself. It could not be controlled, no matter how hard I fought.

The days urged on, pushed by the hands of time. I was loosing myself at a greater rate than before. You came to see me fewer nights, and on more and more nights I watched you from behind a wall, trapped beneath my own skin. I heard myself say that you needed to be there, that terrible things would happen if you ever went away. My bones ached within, how was I pushing you away? You lingered less, and eventually I could not even feel your fingertips brush against mine. All sensations faded away, I faded away. And even if you had stayed, I would not have seen you, heard you, or felt you.

(via style rookie)